Top Ten Songs That Turn Me Into a Huge Crybaby

Music is an incredible thing. I find it wonderful how one of your senses can pick up something so emotional, so beautiful, and so incredibly amazing that your body can't even handle it and you just cry. Or at least I do. Maybe I'm over-emotional, (there's no 'maybe'... I am over-emotional) but there are some songs that I listen to that just make me weep uncontrollably, either because they remind me of something or someone, or because they are so beautiful I just can't even deal with it. So here is my list for top ten songs that turn me into a bawling idiot:

10. "Timothy" by Dada

I'm sure many people have never even heard of this song (except my Dada-obsessed family), so if you haven't, you must. It makes me cry not only because it is beautiful, but because it tells a very sad story. I'm not going to give the story away, you'll just have to listen to the lyrics. But seriously... Dada is an incredibly talented band that my family and myself have been in love with since the early 90's. This song in particular is one that I grew up listening to and it reminds me of summer and having cookouts at our old house in Appleton (the pink and grey house, as my family knows it). So... if you have not heard this song, please listen to it, and also check out the rest of Dada's albums both old and new because they rock.

9. "Yesterday" by The Beatles

Now we have a song many people know. This song makes me cry because of a very strange memory I have of it. On September 11, 2001 I was with my fellow classmates at a park for a "Team Bonding Day". There was a karaoke machine there and nobody would sing anything, so my math teacher Mrs. Sinclair decided to sing the song "Yesterday" by The Beatles. Very soon after that, our teachers sat us down and explained to us what happened in New York. We got back to school just in time to see the second tower collapse on television. Now the song "Yesterday" has a much bigger meaning to me. To me, it represents life before 9/11, and life after, and how it only took a couple of hours that morning to change everybody's lives. The memory of the song, and the karaoke is so scattered and distant to me, so I'm unsure of the actual timing of events, but I remember seeing that tower collapse, and every single angry and confused feeling that I felt after that point is still completely clear to me. 

8. "Imagine" by John Lennon

This song never used to make me cry, until it was played at my cousin Rosemary's funeral. When her husband played this song, something inside me broke and I started crying uncontrollably. Ever since then, I can't get through it without crying. Rosemary was such a positive and happy person and the world was such a beautiful place with her in it. 

7. "Tomorrow Will Be Kinder" by Secret Sisters

This song is a very positive and uplifting song, but there is something in her voice that makes it quite haunting. It is such a beautiful song though, and I'm not really sure why it makes me cry. Perhaps its beauty, or its content, but all I know is I love it and I'm so glad it has been written into this world. 

6. "Primavera" by Ludovico Einaudi

Here is a song that makes me cry simply because it is so beautiful. Einaudi's piano compositions are some of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. This one in particular has a light and pretty feel at first but the more you listen, the more complex and emotional and even dark at times it becomes. At 2:26, the chords he uses in the left hand... I can almost feel his emotion in them. They are so dark and beautiful and UGH I just love it. It's amazing. Listen to it damn it.

5. "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney

This song will always be special to me, because it reminds me of my Aunt Janice who passed away when I was a senior in high school. We were very close and I miss her like crazy. Before she died, we went to a Paul McCartney concert, and I remember her getting so excited when he started to play her favorite song "Maybe I'm Amazed". It was such a cool experience to be there with her, and to see her so happy and experiencing something so awesome. I will cherish that memory for the rest of my life. To me, this will always be her song, and whenever I hear it being played somewhere, I know it's her reminding me that she is still around. 

4. "Breathe Me" by Sia

Anyone who knows me had to expect this one on the list. Anyone who has seen the TV Show Six Feet Under from start to finish better have this on their own lists. F***ing A. What can I say? It is one of the most beautiful songs ever written and was put into the most beautiful show ending ever written. It was perfect, and it left me happy, inspired, heartbroken and in mourning all at the same time. Putting so much emotion into one song, and into one television show is an incredible feat. I am not exaggerating when I say Six Feet Under changed me. It led me to a new outlook on life, and this song aided me on the way.

3. "Dreaming of You" by Selena

Oh Selena. I have loved you ever since I was little. This song makes me cry because it reminds me of the great talent and beautiful, happy person that was taken from us too soon. We never got to hear the rest of this album, her first English crossover, but we know it would have been a hit and there would have been many more hits after that. So much lost potential. Every time I listen to this song (Or "I Could Fall in Love"... another one of my favorites) my heart breaks all over again. Te quiero mi niña. <3

2. "10,000 Miles" by Mary Chapin Carpenter

This really is the only song I've ever heard by Mary Chapin Carpenter, but oh my God do I bawl when I listen to it. And it is 100% due to the movie Fly Away Home. This song plays in the opening scene when her mother dies and it plays at the ending as well and I cry during both scenes like a baby. Such a beautiful movie, and such a perfect song to go with it. 

1. "Symphony No. 6 in B Minor, Op. 74 "Pathetique"" by Tchaikovsky

Hands down, this is the most beautiful song ever created. I didn't put a specific movement (although I'm partial to Adagio) because the Symphony as a whole is just absolutely incredible. In the first movement "Adagio" about 4 minutes and 48 seconds into the movement (5:35 in the video above) my heart melts, and I collapse into a smoldering heap of emotion and tears. What makes this symphony even more emotional, is that it was Tchaikovsky's last symphony that he ever wrote before he died. He was struggling with quite a bit of emotional issues in his life at the time he wrote this masterpiece, and you can feel it. His very first performance of this piece occurred on October 28th, 1893, nine days before his death. Some people have speculated that the symphony took the place of Tchaikovsky's "Suicide Note", but that was never confirmed. The title itself "Pathetique" or "Patetičeskaja" In Russian, means "passionate" or "emotional" and is a word reflective of a touch of concurrent suffering. I suppose we will never know exactly what Tchaikovsky was thinking when he wrote it, but the world, especially myself, is just very glad that he did. 

Yes, that is a tattoo. No, I'm not a [insert tattoo stereotype here].

You  may have noticed something changing in the last ten years or so. More and more people are getting tattooed, and they're not fitting in with your tattoo stereotypes. I know this may be confusing to you that bikers, punk rockers, skinheads...etc aren't the only people getting tattooed "nowadays"... I mean, now you can walk into a tattoo shop and see "normal" people getting tattooed! Like teachers, lawyers, grandmas, reverends, doctors... you name it!

I have recently gotten tattooed for the 6th time. It is my biggest tattoo, and I went out in public showing it off for the very first time yesterday... at Sam's Club... of all places. The looks of hate and disgust I got from mothers and fathers with their kids was astonishing. It's not like I got a tattoo of a big penis on my left calf, it is a colorful memorial tattoo of leaves, and blue swirls and pink balloons. Is it just the act itself of getting a tattoo that disgusts people? Or is there still this stigma out there where people think that "Oh... she has a tattoo. She must be in a gang." Right. I'm in the pink balloon gang. We meet every Wednesday evening to watch Sandra Bullock movies and drink white wine.

Maybe people are just wondering why. Why would you go through so much pain? Why would you want something like that on your body for the rest of your life? Why would you get a tattoo so big? What REASON did you personally have for wanting that tattoo? I hate that last question. There have been so many times talking to a non-tattooed person, and as soon as they notice one of my tattoos they immediately ask, "Ohhh why did you get that?" or "What does it mean to you?" Does it have to mean anything? Why can't I just get a tattoo because it freaking looks awesome? I'm not saying I don't have tattoos that I got for sentimental reasons, but there are a couple I got just because I wanted them, and I think that's okay. It's your body, if you think this is something that you would want on your body to make it more beautiful or interesting, I say go for it. Not every little tattoo has to be some memorial for a lost loved one, or an homage to your Grandmother....

On that note, my last tattoo did happen to be a memorial for someone very dear to me who passed away. Which makes the "disgusted" Sam's Club faces even more annoying.

My tattoo is a memorial for my Aunt Janice, who passed away from cancer when I was a senior in High School. During the last couple months of her disease, I was in complete denial that anything was wrong. I was working a lot on the weekends and didn't get many chances to see her. I never even got to visit her in the hospital. The gravity of the situation didn't fully hit me until the morning I actually saw her, lying in her bed in her own bedroom, having passed away the previous night. At that moment all of my denial was replaced with anger. Anger at myself for not taking her disease seriously. Anger at those around me for not slapping me and telling me how serious this was getting. Anger at the world for not allowing me to have one more trip to the movies, or sleepover, or Sunday morning breakfast with my aunt. I remember sitting down in her living room staring at the wall while she was wheeled out of the house on a stretcher by the coroner, hating myself for being the worst niece on the planet, and I was the only niece she had.

That was 7 years ago. A couple days ago when I was laying on the tattoo table, I thought about that moment. About how I never really felt that I did enough, and that from then on I was going to be there for my family members, healthy or not. I wondered if Janice would approve of this tattoo that I was getting for her, and had she been alive, if she would have ever gotten one herself. Getting the tattoo was grueling and awful, as they always are, but in the end I felt it was worth it. This time it wasn't just a pretty design, it was something I wanted to go through to do something for my Aunt because I didn't do enough before. Every time I look down at my leg and see the wind and the autumn leaves and the pink balloons, I will remember the happy times spent with her, and not the heartbreaking last moments. I will remember her like she would want to be remembered, laughing, teasing, joking around, happy, instead of remembering her in that bed that morning 7 years ago.

If only I would have had time to explain all of this to those parents in Sam's Club, who gave me the look of disgust. Maybe then, they would have understood why someone would get tattooed, and why my tattoo is so big, and what it means to me. Unfortunately to them, me and every other tattooed person they meet will just be a freak, or a loser who isn't serious about getting a job, or who will never go anywhere in life, when really we are people who are expressing ourselves with artwork maybe for someone we love, or for just us (because that is okay too!). It is important to express yourself, because if you don't you turn into a bitter old person who gives shitty looks to people in Sam's Club, and nobody wants to turn into that.

So please, if you see someone in public who is tattooed, don't gawk and stare and assume they are some type of troublemaker. What if that person is struggling from an eating disorder and that tattoo is a reminder to stay strong? What if that person lost a child, and decided to memorialize them by getting a tattoo? What if that person was abused as a child, and that tattoo is one of their only reminders that there is still beauty in the world? You may be judging us for having tattoos, but none of us are judging you for not having any.

The internet is turning us into jerks.

Is it just me, or are there more jerks in the world now than there were 15 years ago? Or maybe jerks are just more easily accessible?  Admit it, you've seen them... commonly known as trolls or bullies... commenting on Facebook posts, tweeting, voicing their opinions on news articles, even sending e-mails...

When you aren't able to immediately see the response of the person you're being mean to, it makes it a lot easier to be mean to them, which is why cyber bullying has become such a problem. A kid may be shy, sweet & quiet in person, but do something on the internet that they don't approve of and you'll be typing your rebuttal through silent tears of anger and rage. I have been a victim of this type of behavior, and I know a large number of others have as well.

I've gotten a couple on YouTube videos ranging from "That's stupid" (thanks for your well thought out critique, asswipe) to something along the lines of "You're an ugly dog... who taught you how to dress?" (umm... whatever. F you *runs away crying*.) Who in their right mind clicks through thousands of videos simply to insult someone? The videos we posted were mainly for friends & family members, so the fact that anyone else ever saw them is a friggin miracle. Not to mention that my younger cousins were really excited about the videos they helped me make, until you showed up and started being a terrible person.

I have also experienced this, believe it or not, in the professional world. I have received emails from customers (actually mainly one in particular) insulting my intelligence, and personally attacking me for simply being the bearer of bad news. I guess people think it's okay to shit all over the "pee-ons" of a company. I really shouldn't even have to stress how incredibly unprofessional that is.

YouTube & emails can all be bad, but Facebook seems to be a breeding ground for hateful words & comments. I have seen two people (who are friends offline) say terrible things to one another on Facebook. I have seen family members insult other family members. Oh, and I'm sorry people... but when you post a vague status about someone who is pissing you off without using any names, people are ALWAYS going to find out who you're talking about, including the person who it's about, & that makes you a passive aggressive jerk (also quit fishing for attention).

So what can we do to fix this? THINK before you comment. Think about the repercussions of your words before you press enter, & if you see someone else being a jerk or a bully on the internet, call them out on it & tell them to quit it. Chances are, most of the other people reading will agree with you
and stick up for you.


When it gets to a point where children and teenagers are actually dying because of this, something has to be done. As active Facebookers, Tweeters, YouTubers, Bloggers... etc, we need to be there for those who are being bullied, and report the ones doing the bullying.

Here are some statistics:

- Nearly 43% of kids have been bullied online. 1 in 4 has had it happen more than once.
- 70% of students report seeing frequent bullying online.
- Over 80% of teens use a cell phone regularly, making it the most common medium for cyber bullying.
- 68% of teens agree that cyber bullying is a serious problem.
- 81% of young people think bullying online is easier to get away with than bullying in person.
- 90% of teens who have seen social-media bullying say they have ignored it. 84% have seen others tell cyber bullies to stop.
- Only 1 in 10 victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse.
- Girls are about twice as likely as boys to be victims and perpetrators of cyber bullying.
- About 58% of kids admit someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online. More than 4 out of 10 say it has happened more than once.
- About 75% have visited a website bashing another student.
- Bullying victims are 2 to 9 times more likely to consider committing suicide.

Source: http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-cyber-bullying

This shit needs to stop. 

Read Amanda Todd's Story

Read Rehtaeh Parson's Story

Read Megan Meier's Story

Read Ryan Halligan's Story

Read Tyler Clementi's Story

RIP <3

Rules of Engagement

I have seen this post circling around Pinterest for quite some time now... it is usually posted with a different picture, a giant ring, a guy proposing... etc. The text is always the same...


 *Rules of engagement: 1. Ask my father's permission 2. Make it a surprise 3. Get down on one knee with this ring 4. Use my full name 5. Make sure my nails are done 6. Have it photographed*



Every time I see this, it makes me sick. In fact, I have my own rules of engagement so Dan, listen up.


1. Don't ask my father's permission. You know he would tell you go for it. If you haven't gotten to know my father by now than maybe you shouldn't propose. He would never require his permission. He knows that it's my life, and it is my choice. My permission is all that you should need.

2. It's almost inevitable to have it be a surprise. Unless you tell me "hey, I'm probably going to propose to you tomorrow" it will be a surprise. So that rule is stupid. Stupid rule. Go home.

3. In the text above when it said "Get down on one knee with this ring" there was of course a huge gaudy ring that costs thousands upon thousands of dollars. Yeah, it's okay to dream girls. But if you are constantly flashing pictures of rings like this to your boyfriend, do you really think it's going to make him want to propose? If anything, it will help him realize how materialistic you are. To Dan, you know that whatever you get me I will love. I don't care about the size of the ring or how much it costs, as long as it comes from you.

4. You don't need to use my full name. There are a lot of palato-alveolar affricates in my full name (or at least it seems like it, there's a lot going on in there). It can get to be a mouthful. Just Toni is fine.

5. OH MY GOD THIS ONE BUGS ME THE MOST!!! Make sure my nails are done??? Pardon my french, but F!@#* THAT!! If you seriously WAIT until AFTER my nails are done to propose to me I'll punch you in the penis.

6. You don't have to have it photographed. Although it would be kind of cool to look back at a photo of that moment and remember it, it isn't a necessity to me. It should really be a moment that is just between you and me. I don't want some creeper stalking us in the bushes trying to capture the moment.

I also have some additional rules, and these aren't too much to ask.

7. Don't propose to me on my Birthday, or any other holiday. I think it would be fun to turn a random date into one that would mean something to us for the rest of our lives.

8. You know I'm a generally a private person (aside from this blog... right?), I would rather this "special moment" be between just you and me... not a theater-full of people, or a restaurant full of people or anything like that.

9. You don't have to have some speech planned, we have been together for almost 5 years now, and have lived together for the majority of those years. I know how you feel about me, so don't get worked up over what you will say or how you will say it. I'll get the picture either way!

10. When it comes down to it, these are all more like "guidelines" rather than rules. I don't care if you break all of them or listen to them all! Know that no matter what you do, I will be the happiest person on earth. <3

Probably another good idea.... don't propose to me in a place where if I drop the ring, it's gone forever, like a bridge. Or in a boat. Or on a cliff.

I trust that you are a better speller than this guy.

Yeah. This probably isn't a good idea either. 

I have no words.

Nooooooope.

THIS IS SO NOT OKAY!

Doing it on Twitter is not okay either.

And that is a win if I ever saw one.

Another Pinterest Failure: The Make Your Own Easy Mac Pin, and how to do it better.

We've all seen that Pin.... that one that looks so easy and delicious. That make your own "Easy Mac" Pin. That Mug of Macaroni Pin. This Pin.

Mmmm... looks so delicious and creamy right? Well I decided to try it today, and it didn't exactly look like that. It looked like this.

Yeah. Gross. 

The problem, like most things on Pinterest, is the picture doesn't actually lead to anything. It doesn't lead you to a website telling you how to make it. It leads you to a page saying that the Pin has been blocked for misleading information or something like that. 

The text on the actual Pin does give ingredients though. It says: "QUIT buying easy mac, people! Instant Mug o Mac Cheese in the Microwave: 1/3 cup pasta, 1/2 cup water, 1/4 cup 1% milk, 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese"

I did change a couple of things. I used whole grain macaroni noodles, reduced fat cheddar, and skim milk, to make it a little more healthy. The only thing that the Pin doesn't say though, is how long to microwave it for. So I threw everything in the mug and tried 2 minutes. Nothing happened. 3 minutes, and it boiled over causing a huge mess in my microwave. I cleaned it up and tried another minute, and this is the product I got. The noodles were very, very undercooked, and there was still a little bit of milk/water mixture on the bottom, but the cheese was beginning to burn and stick to the mug in terrible ways. So I tried it, and it didn't taste like anything. I added garlic powder, fresh ground pepper, and seasoned salt and that made it slightly more tolerable. This whole thing was a huge mess though, so I want to tell you a much, much easier way to do this and to enjoy it too.

First, scratch the mug idea. It's cute, and seems easy, but it causes a huge mess.

I will be using the same amount of ingredients, if you want to make it for two people, double the amount.

Ingredients:

1/3 cup whole grain or whole wheat macaroni pasta.

1/2 cup water

1/4 cup skim milk

1/2 cup reduced fat shredded cheddar cheese

Salt and pepper to taste

Creates 1 serving (about 1 cup)

- Put the milk and the water into a small saucepan and bring to a boil over medium heat. Once the mixture is boiling add the macaroni noodles. Cook noodles until soft.

Note: To add more flavor at this point, add to the milk and water a pinch of minced garlic or garlic powder, or add some minced onions, or even better, some little bits of fresh broccoli.

- Once the noodles are cooked and still hot, remove from heat and immediately add the shredded cheddar cheese. Mix in with the noodles until melted.

- Add salt and pepper to taste. You could also add a pinch of cayenne if you really want to give it some good flavor.

-Transfer to bowl (or mug, if you really have to).

Voila. Same thing, less mess. Plus it tastes  and looks ten times better...

And it's only 6 Weight Watchers points per serving! (if you use my healthier ingredients) :)

PS: I've lost 8 pounds so far!

Goals....

Yes. I suck at making goals, and then sticking to them. Obviously I got bored with the 365 day Photo Project thing after what... 3 days? But that is because I am focusing on a different MORE IMPORTANT goal, and that is losing weight!

This is the first time I've probably ever been really serious about it. I joined the Y when I was in college and I did lose weight then, but classes got busier and finally I just stopped going. I tried other diets before too, like Alli for about a week, and then I read an article about how one woman pooped her pants while taking Alli so I quickly stopped taking it. I tried just eating healthy but that is very difficult for me. I love to cook, and that hasn't been the best for Dan and I. The food is wonderful sure, but cooking a huge meal for 2 people (although I love doing it) is probably not the best thing in the world for us.

So I finally joined Weight Watchers! I saw Jessica Simpson on the advertisement and I was like... hey, I met her once. Seriously. That's me on the left.

Holy dork fest. Except for Jessica Simpson, and Jasmine (my cousin) on the right. 

I thought it would be difficult dieting again, but, and I swear I'm going to sound like a commercial here, Weight Watchers is SO easy!! For example, I ate fast food everyday for lunch last week, and I still lost 2 pounds in one week. I am just teaching myself what is okay to eat, and what isn't. I ate at places like McDonalds, Subway, Culver's, Taco Bell, Arby's and Noodles & Company, and I have new favorite point-friendly foods at each one. 

I also have gotten much better at cooking healthy food, and measuring what I put into food. A couple of examples of meals I have made at home since I started that I got from Weight Watchers...

An amazing baked macaroni & cheese with broccoli, one serving is only 7 points, and one serving is actually more than you would think!

Eggo whole grain waffles with maple syrup, or if I'm in a hurry, Eggo waffles with "no sugar (or artificial sweetener) added" Smucker's Strawberry preserves.

Progresso Vegetable Classics Lentil Soup over white rice.... ohh it's amazing.

Corn Flake crumb breaded pork chops.

Panko breaded onion rings

Seriously... they were all so delicious. I don't want to become one of those people who talk about their diets all the damn time, so I'm only doing this one post about it, but really. If you need to lose some lbs, Weight Watchers is the way to go. 

Thank you Jessica Simpson.

365 Photo Project: Day 3

I started dieting today, for real. I joined Weight Watchers online and everything. I have a bunch of grapefruits at home so I decided to bring one as a healthy snack... unfortunately I forgot how painful it is to eat a grapefruit without sugar. The first couple slices are okay, but then you get to this point (which I pictured above) and your mouth hurts and it tastes like you just threw up 8 times and it feels like NOTHING will ever taste good again. After work I went grocery shopping and bought a ton of different fruit to bring to work the next day... fruit that wouldn't ruin my morning.