The first time I ever finished a book and hated it.

It was a memorable moment for me. I love too many things I've been told, when it comes to movies, books and music... I just love it all! Until now. And "Fifty Shades of Grey" was the one to break me from that spell. I wanted to like it. I tried to like it... but in the end, I hated it more than any other thing I have ever read. Including textbooks. I would rather re-read my Earth Algebra textbook from my Sophomore year of college than re-read "50 Shades" as so many fans call it. I got a C- in that class.

The one thing I don't understand about all these people that love the series, is why the HELL do they actually want this guy, Christian Grey, to really exist???? So he can play mind-games with you?? And trick you into thinking that every time he beats the crap out of you, it was your own fault for not using the safe word?? This is not okay people. I don't understand how this psychotic character even got written into existence, let alone published. But, as I insult Grey, he was actually the only character in the book that had any form of depth. Ana is about as deep as a puddle, although she tries to hide it by claiming to be in love with British Literature. I don't know about you, but if I were Christian Grey I would have the urge to beat Ana with a belt too, every time she mentions her idiot Inner Goddess doing a somersault or her Subconscious and her "half-moon spectacles." (Did someone just rip of J.K. Rowling?) And don't even get me started on Kate, or Jose, or any other idiot character stolen from Stephanie Meyer.

Which brings me to my next point. All the OBVIOUS similarities to Twilight. Let's try and pick a few out from the first novel... SPOILER ALERT! Don't read the rest if you plan on reading either books.

1. Ana is a plain looking brunette who is clumsy, but that somehow makes her desirable by an incredibly powerful and rich man. Bella is also described as a plain looking brunette who is also clumsy and desired by the most eligible bachelor in high school.

2. The story takes place in Washington state. Just like Twilight.

3. This is the one that REALLY drove me nuts.... Bella has a good friend named Jacob, who is in love with her, and is Native American. Ana has a good friend named Jose, who is in love with her, and is Mexican. Wow.

4. Ana's mom lives in the south with her umpteenth husband... Bella's mom does too.

5. Ana's Dad, who she calls Ray, is good friends with Jose's dad. Bella's Dad, who she calls Charlie, is good friends with Jacob's Dad.

6. Ana drives a beat-up car, until Christian buys her an Audi. Bella drives a beat-up pick-up truck, until Edward buys her a Mercedes.

7. Ana has a friend named Kate, who is over-bearing, and valedictorian, and doesn't like her dating Christian Grey. She gives the speech at graduation. Bella has a friend named Jessica, who is over-bearing, and valedictorian, and doesn't like her dating Edward Cullen. She gives the speech at graduation.

8. Ana works at a hardware store, that her friend Paul's family owns. Paul also has a thing for Ana. Bella works at a sporting goods store that her friend Mike's family owns. Mike also has a thing for Bella.

9. Christian Grey plays the piano, so does Edward Cullen.

10. Christian Grey's family is very excited that he has actually found someone. The Cullen family is very excited Edward has actually found someone too.

11. Ana was a virgin. Bella was a virgin.

12. Christian warns Ana to stay away from him, and that he is dangerous. Edward warns Bella to stay away from him as well.

The guys are both over-protective, everyone is always in some sort of danger, guys leave girls speechless, both guys are incredibly jealous.... the list goes on and on.


So if I had to say honestly... I wasn't the biggest fan of Twilight when it first came out, but I would recommend those books over these any day. At least the characters have a little more depth, and believe it or not, the writing is better. I'm going to give you some of my "favorite gems" from Fifty Shades of Grey now. Enjoy.

"I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."

Ana's inner goddess and a friend.

"My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid desire."

Sounds painful.

"My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot. Anticipation hangs heavy over my head like a dark tropical storm cloud. Butterflies flood my belly - as well as a darker, carnal, captivating ache as I try to imagine what he will do to me."

Ana's inner goddess - quite beside herself.

"That's the bottom line. I want to be with him. My inner goddess sighs with relief. I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy, and at the moment, it's a rather exposed part."

So Ana, if your inner goddess is a part of you, does that mean that you rarely use your brain to think?

“The remaining subclauses of this clause 15 are to be read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 2-5 above.” 

This contract makes more sense.